“We have sometimes called the Nine the crown of the Enneagram because Nine's at their best in a relationship are kind, gentle, reassuring. How To Overcome Your Dating Hold-Ups And Find Your Soulmate, Using The Enneagram Or, you can learn more about the nine Enneagram types and take a free version of the test here. When it Type 3: The Achiever. The Enneagram Type Combinations. No pairing Keep in mind that one can have a relationship with any type if the two people are healthy. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 .
Both types also want to avoid conflicts and to put a positive spin on things—Nines are genuinely optimistic and look on the bright side, while Threes focus on being positive and hopeful, and are careful to not let people see them being down or depressed. Both types are sociable, idealistic, caring for children, animals, and the underdog. Both are usually hard working and want to achieve a degree of material success that will enable them to take care of others in a kind of extended family where everyone would be safe, comfortable, and thriving.
They both want a pleasant, aesthetically pleasing home. To this mix, Threes bring energy, personal ambition, flexibility, the ability to set and achieve long term goals, and efficiency.
Threes energize Nines and bring change and excitement to the relationship. Nines bring a feeling of safety and steadiness, the assurance that the Three is loved for themselves and not just for their achievements, and the feeling of not being judged or evaluated at every moment.
Threes feel that they can let down their hair and really be themselves with Nines who accept them just as they are. They have a bit of a stubborn streak to those who know them. I have a Type Nine friend who is a genius in her craft and as a teacher will make it all look easy. Nines at their worst in a relationship are stubborn, passive-aggressive, unassertive, overly accommodating and defensive.
Practical suggestions for Type Nine: Take regular exercise that gets the heartbeat going and amps the energy. Practice asking clearly for what you want in relationships.
Instead tell them you will let them know when you decide, that you need time to think. Start a daily journal. Make daily realistic lists of what you want to accomplish and stick to them. If you go to the fridge between meals, ask what uncomfortable thing you are avoiding. Learn to include your opinion in a group by asking your higher self what it wants, as if it were another equally valid member, and verbalize it.
Guidelines To begin with, each of us is unique. No one of us expresses the range of concerns and aptitudes characterized by our type in exactly the same way. Influences of connected types provide different flavorings to each type. For example a Type 8, the Protector, with a strong influence from its neighbor Type 7, the Epicure, will look different than a Type 8 with a strong link to its neighbor Type 9, the Mediator. More self-mastered individuals will behave differently than those with less self-mastery.
But when the pressures accompanying stress build, our type bias really comes into play and tends to dominate our perceptions and behavior. We need to acknowledge our biases concerning the different types, especially the strongly positive and negative biases. Definitions for Each of the Type Pairings In what follows, I present the definitions regarding the relationship dynamics for each of the 45 possible combinations of Enneagram types. These categories and their definitions form the basis of the relationship dynamics; do familiarize yourself with these.
Conflicts often arise because each type has a different perception of what is needed for a satisfactory life and for the fulfillment of the three basic needs for security, connection, and autonomy. These efforts often take the form of allegation or blame, even if subtle, and frequently have a repetitive quality.
They can result in a circle of conflict characterized by increasing intensity and distress. Understanding and becoming aware of this cycle is a virtual key to resolving conflict constructively and compassionately.
Relationship Development There are three fundamental aspects to relationship development, all of great importance. What to acknowledge 2. What to appreciate 3. Key tasks for development In working with these key aspects of relationship development, do keep applying the steps of the Universal Growth Process [link goes here] as these underlie each of these practices. Daily practice is the key. Take time each day to preview the aspects you are working on and at the end of the day, review how you are doing.
What to Acknowledge About Self This is about what each individual needs to take responsibility for that contributes to difficulty and distress in the relationship. What to Appreciate About the Other This section elucidates the positive attributes and qualities each individual needs to acknowledge, appreciate, and support in the other.
Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship Here I provide the key specific recommendations concerning what each individual in the relationship needs to start doing, stop doing, work on, or accept to improve the relationship, enhance satisfaction, and ultimately create a relationship that truly flourishes. Criticism, counter-criticism, and grievances can build over these differences.
Since they often suppress needs and desires, perfectionists may find it difficult to initiate activities designed to enhance pleasure. Because of the focus on error and mistakes, they can also fail to acknowledge successes and offer praise.
This can all culminate in angry battles, rigid holding onto positions, cold disengagement, and ultimately, even alienation and separation. Relationship Development for Perfectionists with Perfectionists: What to Acknowledge about Self: What to Appreciate in Other Perfectionists: High standards, devotion to practical virtues and fairness, courage of convictions, industry, support for improvement.
Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship: Practice accepting and appreciating standards with different content.
Realize that correcting mistakes in others easily gets misconstrued as criticism. Allocate time for pleasure, desires, and relaxation. Assist each other to release from the dominance of the judging mind.
Type 1, the Perfectionist, and Type 2, the Giver Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Perfectionists offer steadfastness, dependability, and industry, while Givers offer emotion, optimism, attention to the relationship, and pizzazz — a good combination.
The Perfectionist, however, can experience the Giver as being too tied to the relationship and even dependent and unnecessarily helpful.
The Giver, in turn, can feel unappreciated, judged as being hedonistic and giving too much, and therefore not acknowledged by the emotionally restrained Perfectionist. A cycle of heightening conflict can manifest with criticism and counter-criticism about what is wrong, who needs help, and what constitutes care. This can lead to estrangement, especially since neither type is good at expressing desires and needs even though Givers can be on the hedonistic side in the service of others.
As a result, estrangement and deadening can lead to disruption of the relationship. Relationship Development for Perfectionists with Givers: What to Acknowledge about Self. Disowned judgmental tendencies, under-acknowledgement of positives, suppression of pleasure and desire, inflexibility.
What to Appreciate in Givers. Helpfulness, attention to the relationship, caring, exuberance, adaptability. Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship. Devote time to pleasure and relationship building. Relationship Development for Givers with Perfectionists: What to Appreciate in Perfectionists. Commitment to improvement, restraint and self-reliance, high inner standards, consistence, devotion to practical virtues.
Practice steadiness and consistency. Welcome suggestions for improvement. The Perfectionist, however, sometimes may become critical of the way the Performer discounts important details, cuts corners, speeds through things with their fast pace, and making changes to suit circumstances. This pattern can become compounded since both types tend to avoid feelings, which eventually leads to alienation and separation. What to Appreciate in Performers. A can-do attitude, positivity, shared value in work and competence, goal focus, efficiency.
To reduce the emphasis on minutiae and correctness. To moderate the intensity embedded in judgmentalness. To make time for the relationship, pleasure, and relaxation. Take time to slow the pace and encourage the Perfectionist to do likewise.
Allow in more receptive force. Pay more attention to details and underlying principle. Make time for the relationship, pleasure, and relaxation.
Relationship Type 3 with Type 9 — The Enneagram Institute
A cycle of escalating conflict and blame can materialize, characterized by complaint and counter-complaint and even withdrawal. Neither then feels supported or worthy and both feel estranged and alienated, which ultimately endangers the relationship. What to Appreciate in Romantics.
Depth of feeling, uniqueness, creative flair, idealism, empathy for others and especially those who may be suffering. Appreciate more of what is good and positive rather than what is wrong and negative. Disowned emotional fluctuations, difficulty accepting constraints and ordinary aspects of life, disproportionate idealism, a tendency to focus upon what is missing or lacking in the relationship, sensitivity to criticism. Practicality, conscientiousness, commitment, holding to convictions, striving for improvement, attention to detail.
Cultivate practicality, restraint, and steadiness even in the presence of strong feelings. Accept criticism as positive and not a reflection on self-worth. Stay present and in a state of gratitude for what is.
Encourage Perfectionists to express desires and acceptance. Type 1, the Perfectionist, and Type 5, the Observer Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts While both types share the qualities of restraint, control of feelings, rationality, self-sufficiency, and respect of boundaries, these same qualities represent challenges in communicating feelings and desires and for connection. The Observer tends to retract and withdraw as a protection against the perceived intrusion.
This, in turn, can invite further judgment and resentment or anger from the Perfectionist about what is wrong with the relationship and further angry retraction on the part of the Observer.
Both can turn silent and withholding, endangering the relationship. What to Appreciate in Observers. Work at sustaining non-judgmental and moderate engagement.
Your sensitivity to intrusion and criticism, an avoidance of feelings and charged issues, a tendency to withdraw or take superior position by judging in an intellectual manner.
Restraint, practicality, self-reliance, dependability, high standards, striving to improve things and relationships as a form of care, attention to detail. Move forward and embrace feelings and charged issues.
Find ways to enliven the relationship, including the physical relationship. Encourage Perfectionists to live and let live and in the process, to become more accepting of differences in others.
Type 1, the Perfectionist, and Type 6, the Loyal Skeptic Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Perfectionists and Loyal Skeptics often work synergistically in the pursuit of making a better world and correcting injustice. They are sensitive to each other and dedicated. A cycle of escalating conflict and blame can result when the Perfectionist becomes more critical and angry, feeling that nothing can make the Loyal Skeptic secure and certain.
All of this can lead to pain and even disruption or an end to the relationship.
Relationships (Type Combinations) — The Enneagram Institute
What to Appreciate in Loyal Skeptics. Loyalty, endurance, warmth, intellect, healthy questioning, sensitivity to real issues. Attune more to positives and encourage the Loyal Skeptic to do the same. Provide reassurance, not correction. Allow for more playfulness and lighten up.
Work at appreciating the differences between you. A disowned magnification of negatives and worst case scenarios, sensitivity to criticism, contrary thinking, a doubting mind, a tendency to mistrust, difficulty staying with pleasures.
Restraint, conscientiousness, high ethical standards, their striving for improvement, dependability, desire for the best, attention to detail.
Pay attention to all the questioning and doubts in order to become more trusting. Attend to and savor positives and pleasures and encourage the Perfectionist to do the same.Partner or friend to the Enneagram 8 // How to embrace the 8
Accept criticism without magnifying it. While these contrasting qualities can complement each other, they can also lead to a cycle of escalating conflict. This can devolve into explosive outbursts by the Epicure and righteous fixed-position anger on the part of the Perfectionist. Ultimately, this polarity can become intolerable to both types and end the relationship.
What to Appreciate in Epicures. Spontaneity, enthusiasm, optimism, flexibility, future orientation, a fun-loving quality. Practice lightening up and letting go of judgments.
Grasp the polarity in styles. Make pleasure a priority. Resistance to limits, avoidance of details and ordinary life tasks, tendency to rationalize and reframe, an inclination to be self-serving.
Self-control, conscientiousness, high ethical standards, their striving for improvement, practicality, industry, attention to detail and ordinary life tasks. Become more grounded in the present. Hear and even welcome negative feedback. Maintain a healthy pleasure orientation and encourage the Perfectionist to embrace more pleasure. Type 1, the Perfectionist, and Type 8, the Protector Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Perfectionists and Protectors often join together in pursuing causes related to fairness, justice and shared interests.
However, conflict arises over their considerable opposite tendencies. When this interaction becomes polarized, it can lead to entrenchment, angry outbursts, withdrawal, and eventual destruction of the relationship.
What To Appreciate In Protectors. Strength, leadership, decisiveness, directness, exuberance for life, pursuit of truth, generosity. Become more spontaneous and appreciate this in the Protector. Develop genuine flexibility, not just flexibility based on an internal standard.
Stand firm regarding core values. Express your own desires and needs. Develop comfort in expressing anger.